How to Choose a Mate

Friendship is the best and most honorable kind of relationship. Real, true friendship is honest and supportive and building. A sturdy friendship can last a lifetime, transcending hardship and distance and change. It makes you feel accepted, brings out your best, helps you become even better. The person you choose to marry should be that kind of real friend, and it should be well tested and proven before the engagement takes place. Friendship provides a solid relationship upon which to build, so that when (not if) you are not in love, when you are experiencing troubles within or from outside the marriage, there is something to hold you together.

The purpose of writing this is to help you to make the best choice while taking the fewest risks. This is simple logic. There is no way to embark on a journey of choosing a mate without investing some emotional capital, and the friendship aspect will require it. But don't take any other risks. Screening a prospective mate does not require a joint checking account, a shared domicile, or a shared bed. If you disregard this advice and jump in with both feet, you could wind up not just nursing emotional wounds, but you could be financially devastated, lose your home, or get AIDS. All of these things have happened to people I know.

The Plan
The purpose of this plan, harsh though it may sound, is to rule out unsuitable prospects. If you don't mesh on issues when you're going steady, you are in for serious trouble when you're married. At all times during the following process, you must be ready to concede, "we aren't right for each other," shake hands, and walk away from the possibility of marriage. For this reason, physically bonding behavior should be scrupulously avoided. If you marry, there will be plenty of time to catch up on that stuff. (You may be surprised to learn that is what the honeymoon is for.)

1. Compile a list of discussion topics which must be covered. Pretty much everything you can possibly think of should be on the list. Topics that will be on the list are religion, money, sex, children, work, education, divorce, previous relationships, drugs (including cigarettes, alcohol, and prescriptions), household labor issues, health and medical issues, pets, recreation, travel, friends, relatives, insurance, retirement, manner of dress, politics, and everything else.

Check off the items on the list as they are discussed. You can not go on to the next step in the plan until all items on the list have been discussed in depth and to the satisfaction of each of you. Go back and discuss topics which raised unresolved questions. Discuss any peripheral issues that come up. Don't skip anything. Don't skirt anything. Don't accept an answer which seems vague or incomplete, pry. If the two of you can't be truthful here, don't move on. If there is any issue upon which you simply cannot agree, don't agree to disagree, or you will have a disagreeable marriage. There is however, nothing wrong with healthy compromise. That's where you both abandon your opposing positions and meet at a middle ground, where, together, you adopt a new position. If you successfully navigate the list and haven't ruled each other out, then proceed.

2. Talk to each other's friends. Often friends can see plainly that a relationship is lopsided or detrimental, but have kept quiet for fear of being perceived as trying to break up the relationship. Earnestly seek their opinions, and give them complete freedom to say whatever they think is important.

3. Talk to each other's families. Relatives may not be as objective as friends, but you never know. They may tell lots of embarrassing stories, and you can compare them against your intended's versions. See how he rates on truthfulness and how he deals with public humiliation, all at the same time. Some families will gush with information, useful and otherwise; others will clam up and not share anything. At the very least, you need to know what kind of family you are getting mixed up with. Be attentive to your intended's relationship to his parents. If he can't say no to them, that's pretty much the stop sign.

4. Take a full year to get to know each other and each other's friends and family. This doesn't mean spending lots of time alone, you already did too much of that in step 1. Now you do real life stuff together like hang out with friends, play monopoly, change your oil and buy socks. Trade off doing holidays with your families. Does your intended cheat at cards? Burn TV dinners? Panic at the sight of an oil filter? Is he unable to be wrong or to lose gracefully? Does he have a fixation for reptiles? Is he a channel surfer? If you make it through all this, before you announce you engagement and start planning the wedding...

5. Talk to an objective, impartial third person who has a lot of insight. (This can't be a close friend of either person; that would fall under talking to friends.) A minister with proven experience with marriage and family issues is good, or an experienced and respected counselor, therapist, psychologist, etc. This person will probably be able to see clearly those issues that family and friends have either deliberately overlooked or don't recognize. You have come a long way at this point and have invested at least a year of your lives, but take this seriously. If you need a second opinion, get one. Get several. But you must have the respect for yourselves and each other to acknowledge problems if they exist. You may be able to work out the problems. You may not. Don't marry if you don't resolve these issues.

The divorce rate is over 50%. Of those marriages which don't end in divorce, many are not happy. This means the failure rate is very high. If you expect to be one of the few successful marriages, you must make your choice as advantageous as possible. There is enough trouble and heartache in life that is beyond our control; we don't need to bring more of it on ourselves. And our mates. If you walk away from a less than perfect match, you free both of you to make a better choice. And you have grown in the interim.

How Not to Marry Poorly

This is a series on how to marry well, or put another way, how not to marry poorly.

By watching my parents I was able to see what makes a bad marriage and avoid it — thanks Mom and Dad. I married well, and am blissfully happy. By writing this, I hope to save the people I care about the misery of an unhappy marriage, so they can have a life they enjoy living, with someone they enjoy loving.

Having a happy marriage starts before you meet Mr./Ms. Right. First off, forget that "we were made for each other, this is destiny" stuff. It's your responsibility to make the best choice possible. If you choose poorly, you're going to suffer for years, perhaps the rest of your life. Don't mess this up!

The first step is knowing what you expect. Make a list. Most people don't even know they have expectations until their mate doesn't live up to them; then it's too late. Learn by watching how couples interact. When you think, "that really bugs me," put it on the list. If you think, "that is so cool!" Put it on the list. You have requirements, even if currently you don't know what they are. Start figuring them out. It'll be best for all involved.

Here's an example of some observations, and list items they might inspire:

Observation ..................................................... List Item

He kept her waiting an hour, again .................... Must be punctual

She humiliates him in front of people .................. Must not be a fault-finder

He's out of money again .................................... Must be a sound money manager

He lets her do all the work ................................. Must willingly share the workload

He loves kids, she doesn't ................................. Must agree on children/no children

She rescues strays ............................................. Must agree on pets/no pets and how many

He won't control his dog ................................... No untrained dogs in the relationship

She wont eat anything unfamiliar ...................... Must be an adventurous eater

He never gets lost, even in an unfamiliar place .... Must like new places and be a good navigator

She's a missionary kid and loves Asia ................ Must be willing to live abroad,

................................................................................... so you can be a dentist in Bangladesh

She frets because she broke a nail ...................... Must be able to frame a house

He has $30,000 in credit card debt .................... Absolutely no debt

Her perfume gives him hives ............................. No perfume

...You get the idea.

Why a written list? So when the right person comes along, you can 1. know it, and 2. discuss everything on the list with your potential life mate. You may be laughing now, but this is hugely important. Imagine waking up and realizing the person you married expects you to be a whole lot of things you aren't. Wouldn't you resent that? If you aren't responsible and conscientious in choosing a mate, you WILL live that moment. Imagine realizing years into your marriage that none of your dreams have come true, because your mate doesn't share them. If you don't marry someone who's on the same path, you aren't going to get there.

The list helps you know yourself and what's important to you. Don't really care if the spouse leaves socks and dishes all over the apartment? Don't put neatness on the list. Are you a neat freak? Germophobe? It better be on the list. So, what if the list shows that you are self-centered and lazy? That's who you are, and you need to be realistic. Don't try to fake it, just like you don't want your potential mate to fake it. So, what if your list shows that your standards are too high? If your standards are too high to be met, don't get married. Better to be alone than to be miserable. It's entirely possible that the list will show that you are not ready for marriage yet. Just wait, because people change over time. Who you are at 17, at 27, and at 37 are different people. Over time, your personality can change a lot. Over time, your character (or lack thereof) becomes established. Over time, you can become smarter, gain life experiences, and gain wisdom. Wait until you are better suited for marriage. Maybe your list will change. Maybe it won't. But if you know what you expect, you are way more likely to get it.

A note on Old Maid Syndrome: Many people freak when they reach some particular age and they aren't married yet. Fearing they'll be alone for the rest of their life, they marry whoever is available. They then spend years regretting that they settled instead of waiting it out. By sticking to your expectations, you'll avoid this trap.