By watching my parents I was able to see what makes a bad marriage and avoid it — thanks Mom and Dad. I married well, and am blissfully happy. By writing this, I hope to save the people I care about the misery of an unhappy marriage, so they can have a life they enjoy living, with someone they enjoy loving.
Having a happy marriage starts before you meet Mr./Ms. Right. First off, forget that "we were made for each other, this is destiny" stuff. It's your responsibility to make the best choice possible. If you choose poorly, you're going to suffer for years, perhaps the rest of your life. Don't mess this up!
The first step is knowing what you expect. Make a list. Most people don't even know they have expectations until their mate doesn't live up to them; then it's too late. Learn by watching how couples interact. When you think, "that really bugs me," put it on the list. If you think, "that is so cool!" Put it on the list. You have requirements, even if currently you don't know what they are. Start figuring them out. It'll be best for all involved.
Here's an example of some observations, and list items they might inspire:
Observation ..................................................... List Item
He kept her waiting an hour, again .................... Must be punctual
She humiliates him in front of people .................. Must not be a fault-finder
He's out of money again .................................... Must be a sound money manager
He lets her do all the work ................................. Must willingly share the workload
He loves kids, she doesn't ................................. Must agree on children/no children
She rescues strays ............................................. Must agree on pets/no pets and how many
He won't control his dog ................................... No untrained dogs in the relationship
She wont eat anything unfamiliar ...................... Must be an adventurous eater
He never gets lost, even in an unfamiliar place .... Must like new places and be a good navigator
She's a missionary kid and loves Asia ................ Must be willing to live abroad,
................................................................................... so you can be a dentist in Bangladesh
She frets because she broke a nail ...................... Must be able to frame a house
He has $30,000 in credit card debt .................... Absolutely no debt
Her perfume gives him hives ............................. No perfume
...You get the idea.
Why a written list? So when the right person comes along, you can 1. know it, and 2. discuss everything on the list with your potential life mate. You may be laughing now, but this is hugely important. Imagine waking up and realizing the person you married expects you to be a whole lot of things you aren't. Wouldn't you resent that? If you aren't responsible and conscientious in choosing a mate, you WILL live that moment. Imagine realizing years into your marriage that none of your dreams have come true, because your mate doesn't share them. If you don't marry someone who's on the same path, you aren't going to get there.
The list helps you know yourself and what's important to you. Don't really care if the spouse leaves socks and dishes all over the apartment? Don't put neatness on the list. Are you a neat freak? Germophobe? It better be on the list. So, what if the list shows that you are self-centered and lazy? That's who you are, and you need to be realistic. Don't try to fake it, just like you don't want your potential mate to fake it. So, what if your list shows that your standards are too high? If your standards are too high to be met, don't get married. Better to be alone than to be miserable. It's entirely possible that the list will show that you are not ready for marriage yet. Just wait, because people change over time. Who you are at 17, at 27, and at 37 are different people. Over time, your personality can change a lot. Over time, your character (or lack thereof) becomes established. Over time, you can become smarter, gain life experiences, and gain wisdom. Wait until you are better suited for marriage. Maybe your list will change. Maybe it won't. But if you know what you expect, you are way more likely to get it.
A note on Old Maid Syndrome: Many people freak when they reach some particular age and they aren't married yet. Fearing they'll be alone for the rest of their life, they marry whoever is available. They then spend years regretting that they settled instead of waiting it out. By sticking to your expectations, you'll avoid this trap.
